Waiting

Written while faced with life.

I’ve been quiet for quite a while…
That just won’t do any longer.
It’s the dark dead of night right now – an unearthly hour for the ordinary college student on a week day – but it’s only at times like these when my mind becomes clear and I can really say what I mean.
I guess I didn’t know how or what to say at first, but I’ve decided that I really just need to be honest.
Honest with myself.
Honest with God.

I have quite a few things to say.

I was at Costco a week or so ago, helping the family with an ordinary grocery run, when something rather strange happened. It was coming on lunch time, and, unwilling to resist a voracious hunger any longer, I stepped in line to order something – anything. Engrossed in my own thoughts, it took about five minutes before I realized who was in front of me. Staring up at me with a strange look in her eyes was a young girl, probably eight or so, who, after a second glance, I realized bore a very strange resemblance to myself. The same dark hair, light eyes, white skin (alright, she was a little bit tanner than me - that's not hard), round face – I took little notice of her at first, but, after a moment’s thought, I took a second look. There was something in her eyes that was very odd, and yet somehow familiar. I tried to pretend like I wasn’t looking at her – but she didn’t even attempt to stop looking at me. It was really rather awkward at first. I felt my hair, looked down at my shirt – just to make sure that I hadn’t drastically spilled anything. It was then that I realized that I had once had that look – a longing, waiting look. She paid for her food quickly (the exact same order as me!) – and then she was gone. But I remembered her.

When I was younger I used to wait for a lot of things. Being tall (I guess I’ve never quite achieved that – although comparatively, I’ve gotten somewhere), being able to do things, go places, have adventures, Prince Charming… the usual. I used to wait for life to happen, and it seemed so far away.

And it seems that I’m waiting again.

I’ve never liked waiting. Throughout most of my life I haven’t had to, so I guess I never learned how to rightfully cope with it. I’ve always got through things – through life – as fast as it was in my power to do. And I’ve never seemed to lack for “power”. With the help of two dedicated parents, my sister and I got through eight grades in four years when we were very young – I’ve worked my way through life and work with a rock solid determination. My life has never lacked for adventure – and although change has never been easy for me, I’m far more accustomed to that than this waiting.

There’s a lot of things I’m waiting for right now. Waiting for next semester. Waiting for school to end. Waiting for progress. Waiting to mature in my faith… to know what to do with my life. Waiting to someday go home.

I guess what I need is patience. In the words of someone much smarter than me… I want to know the ending, of things hoped for, and not seen – but I guess that’s the point of hoping anyway.

Sometimes I think that I’m trying too hard. We’re told to strive, to leave behind every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles and set our sights on things above. And yet I’ve realized that I can’t even set my sights alone. It seems that the things I’ve struggled with my whole life never seem to go away. . I know that He will complete the work that He began - but I can’t see much progress as yet! I can’t see the road ahead. I want to know. I want to be sure. I want to feel that I am on the right path, headed the right direction - that I am somehow in the right. And maybe that’s the problem. I want to feel. I want to know. And yet He hasn’t chosen to reveal what it is that I seek.

Sometimes I almost feel as if I ought to know. As if I have a right to understand what my life should look like. I know that I am called to something – to use my life to His glory in some way. And yet I find it hard to see beyond the small patch of light that is my current existence. I am blind, but for the next step directly in front of me. Even that is, at times, hazy.

Maybe that is the Christian walk. Maybe it’s meant to be one step at a time, that our faith might grow ever stronger in the One who does know what lies ahead.

I don’t know how to make decisions. I've never been very good at that. The life I have led has been far different than I would ever have planned for myself - I know that this is God's sovereignty, and I feel that I now have a calling to fulfill. But I don’t how to decide the course of my life - and I feel so hindered by the fact that He doesn’t directly speak to me. My humanity desires some sort of tangible two-way communication. I’m programmed for direct communication.

That’s not really true, though, is it?
He programmed me Himself.

I have always known my goal - to glorify God in all that I do, and make Him famous. Everything within me cries that is the truth. But how? For all my battles against practicality… there is an intense desire to know what true Christian faith - what my Christian faith, my life, my work, ought to look like. I don’t know where to begin.

I know that he knows what I’m destined for. But I’m afraid that I’ll miss it, that I’ll be too busy to notice. Or even to care. That apathy would somehow take over and control me. I pray that it would not be! Apathy has to be one of the most destructive forces that can overtake a believer. It is an enemy to truth. Not that it directly defies it… but in its very essence it is designed to render the saved heart worthless - to make it search for happiness, for joy in the things of this world until it is of no further use to the kingdom.
And this, my friends, is my deepest, darkest fear.
To miss it.
To waste it.

I don’t want to waste anything that the Lord throws my way. John Piper wrote the poem, when he was still a boy. These are the first four lines:

Long I searched for the earth’s hidden meaning,
Long as a youth my search was in vain.
Now as I approach my last years waning,
My search I must begin again.

Piper himself says this:

"Across the forty years that separate me from this poem I can hear the fearful
refrain, "I’ve wasted it! I’ve wasted it!" Somehow there had been wakened in me
a passion for the essence and the main point of life. The ethical question
"whether something is permissible" faded in relation to the question, "what is
the main thing, the essential thing?" The thought of building a life around
minimal morality or minimal significance - a life defined by the question, "What
is permissible?" - felt almost disgusting to me. I didn’t want a minimal life. I
didn’t want to live on the outskirts of reality. I wanted to understand the main
thing about life and pursue it."

I want - and the word seems too weak - to live radically. And yet I know that ‘radical’ for me will look different than ‘radical’ for someone else. I do know this. I have yet to define what ‘different’ is, though.

So I’m busy waiting. Watching and waiting. Watching and waiting and choosing joy in the process.

There are a few things that I know for sure. I am saved by the blood of Jesus Christ, the Son of God and God himself, who died on a cross to save His chosen people from their sins, that they might live no longer for themselves, but for Him. He came to glorify Himself. And He was glorified. He was resurrected on the third day, and is at the right hand of the Father in heaven. I am free. These things I know. I will never cease to know them, for they are written on my soul with an indelible ink.

I’ve made a decision, friends: I've decided to let Him take charge of my life - for I know I will make a sad mess of it myself. I've decided to relinquish hold. Perhaps, with divine assistance, I might be able to let go of the steering wheel of my life that I have gripped so tightly... the wheel that I never really drove anyway. I never took one step on my own.
That's a comforting thought.
Perhaps, if I could look away from myself for a moment... perhaps if I could somehow let go... I might be able to converse more freely with the true Driver.

Now I'm getting excited.

As it seems to have become a tradition of mine to include some encouraging lyrics that I've heard throughout the week, I think I'll post some (again, from my favorite writer, Sara Groves... if you've never heard her, you really should) that have particularly encouraged me as of late. I'm even learning to play this one... (!)
It's called Painting Pictures of Egypt.

I don't want to leave here
I don't want to stay
It feels like pinching to me
Either way
And the places I long for the most are
The places where I've been
They are calling out to me
Like a long lost friend

It's not about losing faith
It's not about trust
It's all about comfortable
When you move so much
And the place I was wasn't perfect but I had
Found a way to live
And it wasn't milk or honey, but then...
Neither is this

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard and I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy
To discard
And I was dying for some freedom but now I
Hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise and
The things I know

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard and I want to go back...
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me
While my back was turned

If it comes too quick...
I may not appreciate it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand
If it comes too quick...
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Sometimes it feels as though I just can't hear Him. Sometimes it feels as though He's forgotten. I am caught between His promise and the things I know. And yet, that's the trouble... my life can't be governed by what I feel. If it were... you can't even imagine what a colossal disaster that would be.
And so I am thankful that I'm incapable.
I am thankful that I don't have to go it alone.
I'm excited to see what's in store for me.
And I'm ready to just be still and listen and wait. And hope.

I don’t have to know it all.

Phil. 3:7-16 " I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained."
(emphasis mine)

Now there's tangible communication for you. Let us press on - let us live up to what we have already attained: the salvation that comes through faith in Christ Jesus and the hope of heaven. We have a glorious hope. A hope that surpasses understanding.

… how can I keep from singing?

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take Him at His word
Just to rest upon His promise
Just to know, "Thus saith the Lord".

... Oh for grace to trust Him more.