Breaking Day

Life begins at the intersection...


If you live the Christian life long enough, sooner or later it will become routine. We, as humans, are creatures of habit... and it seems that anything and everything we do, by mere consistency, can become mundane. Stagnant.

And so, every now and again, the Lord tests what we're really made of. In that moment, when He pulls your world apart - in that moment, you face the intersection.

...these have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine, and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1 Peter 1:7

I always thought this last part of the verse "...and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed..." was speaking of that moment when time and this world end and He returns to us at last. But somehow, it seems to apply to my situation as well... albeit in a smaller way.

Sometimes, in this life, amidst our journey along this narrow way, our view is suddenly obstructed. We stumble; we fall; we grope for truth as though blind - madly seeking any reason to even take a step forward. When I cannot see the road ahead of me, hope begins to falter. All those things that are worst in my human nature begin to rear their ugly heads... even in my love of God and of others, for it seems I cannot seem them anymore. That I do not know them. Pride. Jealousy. Doubt. Defeat. The monsters of Untrust and Uncertainty. Every step I take falls on a steep incline... as if, at any moment, I could lose my footing and plummet to the deep dark depths below.

Two questions arise to tempt me... products of the old mind; the life I once knew.

Why me?
What direction now?

My new heart asks - Oh God, what would you have me do? I shout it to the skies above; all I hear is an echo of my own pleading voice: the dark clouds seem to give no answer.

And so I wait.

To you I call, O Lord my Rock;

do not turn a deaf ear to me.

For if you remain silent,

I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.

Hear my cry for mercy as I call to You for help,

as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place.

Ps. 28:1 -2

Oh Lord, I think. We've been through all of this before, haven't we? Didn't I write a blog on waiting a year ago now? I don't understand. I don't understand!

But that's the point - I don't understand. So here I stand at the intersection - this pivotal moment where I have to decide... where is my faith now? Who do I trust here, at the end of myself? I've always said I trusted the Lord... but did I really? Finally... which way will I go?

The question is harder to answer than you would think.

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This one's 'bout a dream I had last night

How an old man tracked me home

And stepped inside

Put his foot inside the door and gave a crooked smile

Something in his eyes

Something in his laugh

Something in his voice made my skin crawl off

He said, "I've seen you here before...

I know your name

And you could have your pick of pretty things

You could have it all

Everything at once

Everything you've seen

Everything you'll need

Everything you've ever had in fantasies...

You've one life, one life, one life left to lead

~ Jonathan Foreman

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It is at this moment when temptation is at its strongest and most lethal. It seems that at our weakest point these decisions come.

And yet, that we might not boast...

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Such paradox is this! Indeed... "to be low is to be high, the broken heart is the healed heart... to have nothing is to possess all... the valley is the place of vision."

So He drew me to my knees. That has always been a hard place for me to be; it proves my neediness before a holy God.

The last words I prayed were these - the very same words lifted to His throne so many years ago by a follower like myself...

Lord, let me find thy light in my darkness,

thy life in my death,

thy joy in my sorrow,

thy grace in my sin,

thy riches in my poverty,

thy glory in my valley.

It was then I realized that I had been praying for the wrong thing all along. I had prayed that God would make my path clear; instead He showed me what I really needed to see. He opened my eyes and showed me where I really was... and revealed Himself to me.

All those nights in the valley; all those days climbing, climbing, tired, alone...

... had led me here, to the great mountain top of His glory. I stood, to my utter surprise, on the peak of the highest, most beautiful pinnacle my eyes had ever met. The clouds and fog that had so surrounded me were merely signalling that I had almost reached the top. I had ascended - in the dark! - a height that, had I travelled alone, would have killed me.

And yet his grace...

Now the path behind me suddenly made sense! Now I could see why I had stumbled and fallen; now I knew why every step I had taken had met a steep, frightening incline. And now I saw beneath the firm foundation that had never left me.

My heart beat once or twice, and life flooded my veins

Everything had changed, my lungs had found their voice

And what was once routine

Was now the perfect joy...

~ Jonathan Foreman

I still wonder what God has in store. I am still so eager to see what exactly He wants from me. But I know in whom I have believed. And at that fearful intersection, His grace led me where I could not go... down a path of whole reliance on the One who knows.

And although I still ask - 'Lord, what do you want from me?', His answer - for now - is simply this...

Take up your cross and follow Me.